Disclaimer: None of the following content is directly inspired by the reality in my office. Everything is purely fictional…This article is for engineers with a very solid sense of humour… if you don’t, please don’t read the following, that may shock you.
Becoming a bad leader is easy and natural for those gifted with superior intelligence. here are 7 steps to follow to lose the trust of your employees and become their worst nightmare at the same time.
1- A bad leader cuts the bridge of true communication first
Never tell what you think, because people would see immediately how much you are full of shit inside. There is a better way. You can lie about everything as long as it makes you look better in front of the employees. After all, you are the leader, right?
Why should you tell the truth when no one else is doing that?
Your dad lied to you when he told you that you would become a pro baseball player when you were 6 years old.
Your mom lied to you when she told you that the shop didn’t sell replacement batteries for your toy.
So… that’s the way the world is.
Employees just need to know what they have to do and that’s all.
2- A bad leader starts every meeting with self-gratifying bullshit
What’s the best way to start a meeting? Tell a funny story about the company!
Like how you saved the life of the CEO in the last quarterly meeting… or maybe how you hired the poor girl who is now making cold calls because of her nice profile photo on facebook.
Remember: Everyone attending the meeting want only one thing… to know more about you and your achievements! So tell them how much you are clever and they will like you.
3- People do meeting because they need something to do. Give them all the tasks they have to do in details.
People are like sheeps and you are the shepherd. They don’t know what direction to go if they haven’t got orders.
But orders are generally not enough… too vague. You have to be detailed so people don’t need to think too much. Tell them exactly the color of the pencil they should be using and the font required for the daily report. CEO only likes this font by the way, so you are making them a huge favor by teaching them at the same time.
4- Show you are superior to everyone else by telling about your impressive achievements
People only respect people stronger than them, everyone knows that. That’s why you have to tell them every day about your incredible achievements. For example, that night in Vietnam, when you sold a license at 10 kUSD in cash after drinking all the night…that’s impressive, right? You’ll be their hero after that.
5- If employees don’t obey you, criticize their intelligence, that always works.
If you see that someone doesn’t follow your lead, that’s probably because he is stupid. There is only one direction to go anyway, and there is no choice. CEO told you in the last report that you had to proceed like that, so there is no point to discuss that with anyone. CEO is always right,so you are always right.
Tell the people who don’t listen to you that they are stupid… they will be motivated to become less stupid. It works like that.
6- Forcing someone to do something is the only way
OK, now we enter in the “Execution” phase… that’s the most delicate!
Now that everyone knows your plan because you shared it in details with 125 slides in last week’s weekly meeting, it’s time to act.
Problem… no one seems to move a finger… They need a bit of motivation I guess?
Give them a grid of tasks they have to fill every day. Tell them that if they don’t they will be fired and you will see the magic happen…
7- A bad leader never reads books, he writes books
Reading books takes time, and anyway, that’s not interesting, because you know already what’s inside… a load of positive bullshit that never work.
Instead of that, you should write a book to teach your employees the right way to work and to develop themselves to become like you!
How to write a book if you don’t know how to write?
Easy, ask your secretary to write it instead of you. Anyway, you share your amazing thoughts with her every morning, so she should know what to write, isn’t it?
Any similar experience to share? That’s greeaaat 😉
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